Pearl Harbor meets Askewniverse
by Ms.Schuler Bub
Summary: Rated R for strong language, Pilots is up! um...no summary, just read it!
1. Pearl Harbor: Directed by Kevin Smith

A/N: For those of you who have no idea who Kevin Smith is, he is the king of low-budget films such as, Clerks, Mallrats, Chasing Amy, Dogma, and Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, all kick-ass movies, so go see 'em

A/N: For those of you who have no idea who Kevin Smith is, he is the king of low-budget films such as, Clerks, Mallrats, Chasing Amy, Dogma, and Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, all kick-ass movies, so go see 'em. He also uses the same exact actors in almost every movie, example: Brian O'Halloran, Ben Affleck, Jason Lee, Matt Damon, Joey Lauren Adams, and of course Jason Mewes. There are also a kagillion curses, and finally Jay and Silent Bob, so now that you are filled in here is what Pearl Harbor would be like IF Kevin Smith directed it.

"So what are you saying here? I get $135million to make a stupid movie?" Kevin Smith asked amazed by the price. He gracefully accepted and spent $100million on cigarettes. He then called up good friend, producer Scott Moiser; "The people at Touchstone are fucked up." He laughed looking at his money.

"Why is that?" Scott asked.

"They gave me a shitload of money to make a historical flick."

"Cool! Am I going to produce?"

"Who else can I afford?" He then hung up and picked up the script squeezing in as many "fucks" and "shits" and "dick and fart jokes" as humanly possible. "Perfect," he laughed. He then looked down at the list of the cast:

Ben Affleck

Josh Hartnett

Kate Beckinsale

Cuba Gooding Jr.

Alec Baldwin

Dan Aykroyd

By this point he was bored because he had never seen a cast that long, (this was before J&SBSB) "Ooo, Affleck is in this! I just saved $100,000; I can get him for $70,000!" He then called Ben and began to laugh.

"Who is this?" Ben said freaked out, "please, stop calling me! God, save me, take this man away! AHHHHHhhhhhhhhhh!"

Kevin hung up, "who the fuck is Josh Hartnett?" He asked being a personal fan of Scream and an anti-hereonearthian. "Cuba Gooding Jr.! Show me the money!" he said, no pun intended.

Filming started in Red Bank, New Jersey at 3:14pm. Ben began to cry as he saw Kevin and Scott waving from their chairs, "first Mallrats," he began to mumble, "then Chasing Amy, then Good Will Hunting, then Dogma, soon Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, after that some movie about his daughter. Will I ever escape him? Dear Lord will I ever lose this large man?" He screamed at the sky with his arms wide.

"Hey buddy," Kevin said. They then began to shoot random scenes, using Ben Affleck's car as the cockpit of planes and Alec Baldwin's yacht as the battleships.

"You're not going to blow my baby up, are you?" Alec Baldwin pleaded as Kevin Smith ignited the boat with a lighter.

"Nah," he replied, "I'm just going to light it on fire."

"NOOOOOOOOO!!!" Alec screamed as he began to cry like a woman.

"So what am I supposed to do?" Josh asked sweetly.

"Hmm," Kevin began stroking his beard, "the girls like you don't they?"

"Well, um, I guess?"

"So what's that like?"

"Um, ok?"

"Let's just do a close up of him, and let him make up his own lines, the girls will be drooling so much they won't even understand him."

So they shot a consecutive one take 4 hour long scene of Josh talking about his life and quoting his other movies like, "we're real," and "RUN!!!"

Jason Mewes showed up fully energized by the four pots of coffee he finished moments before. "So, when are my fucking lines, who's in this fucking movie, do I gotta eat anymore of that fucking sugar? Fucking fuck, fuck!"

"Sorry Jay, you're not in the movie," Kevin began, "but hey there are so many people her anyway, why don't you stay?"

"Why the fuck not."

Jason then got into the sight of Ben Affleck, who screamed again, "take me out of this hell hole!"

Kevin eventually made a totally kick-ass movie perfect for any horny 12-year-old boys with tons of nudity and dick and fart jokes. Also with a shitload of cameo's, including one by him as silent bob and jay. But Touchstone laughed at him, spit on his shoes and told him that it was supposed to be for girls! That's why they hired Josh and Ben in the first place! They threw the film away and set the trashcan on fire and then hired Michael Bay and Jerry Bruckhiemer who made a semi kick-ass movie.

Ben Affleck became sane again and you know the rest of all the shit that happened.

Except that the explosion scenes were supposed to be digital but Kevin Smith was so pissed that he fired them that he blew all of the ships up, but don't worry nobody was hurt in the process.

So the next time you watch Pearl Harbor, imagine the great movie that could have been.

A/N: Wow that was awful! So go see a good movie now… go see JAY AND SILENT BOB STRIKE BACK!!! And you can watch Ben and Matt trash their movies. 

Example:

MATT Dude, did you SEE Forces of Nature?

BEN I told you, you do the stable picture first THEN you do the artistic piece.

*~*~*

MATT Listen Bounce boy…

*~*~*

BEN At least I'm not some gay serial killer who rides horses and enjoys playing golf!

*~*~*

BEN (as Chuckie) I don't like the sound of them apples, Will!  
What are we gonna do?

*~*~*

Want more? SEE THE FUCKING MOVIE!!!


	2. Pilots

A/N: Okay, my friends read my story and they started threatening me to write others involving the PH cast and the Askewneiverse so…I did, I figure this could be a way to entertain loyal Kevin Smith fans and introduce a new wave

A/N: Okay, my friends read my story and they started threatening me to write others involving the PH cast and the Askewneiverse so…I did, I figure this could be a way to entertain loyal Kevin Smith fans and introduce a new wave. I'm starting from the beginning, which was obviously "Clerks" and using the occupational names I came up with the title "Pilots" so here ya go.

Disclaimer: Bay, Bruckhiemer, and Wallace own the characters and shit, Smith owns the plot line and Jay and Silent Bob, and some stuff may belong to me Damnit maybe Kari was right maybe I'm not original but who cares fuck her!!! My steam is now blowing out; few I'm feeling better. 

Int.: RAFE's room- day

We find our selves in the room of RAFE MCCAWLEY (24), a pilot in the US army, he sleeps, half drunk from a party the night before, underneath the random clutter of his room. THE PHONE rings over and over. Rafe sits up clutching his head from a headache. 

RAFE

Who the fuck is calling me on a Sunday morning?

He says as he rubs his face. He rummages through a pile of junk as the ring gets louder; he retrieves it and picks it up.

RAFE (cont.)

Hello?

VOICE (OC)

Hey we're being attacked by the Japanese, we need you to come help.

RAFE

But it's my fucking day off!

VOICE (OC)

But people are dying!

RAFE

I've got a hockey game at 2!

VOICE (OC)

Oh don't worry BILLY's coming at noon

RAFE

Okay, Okay, I'll do it.

Rafe hangs up and puts on some pants. He exits.

RAFE

(Mumbling)

Going to work on my fucking day off!

Int.: Airbase: office- day

DANNY WALKER (22) sits at the desk looking through a porno magazine. In front of the door he hears…

Ext.: Airfield- day

JAY and SILENT BOB lean up against the wall bopping their heads to an imaginary beat.

JAY

1-2-1-2-3-4

Noonch, Noonch, Noonch,

Shmoking Weed, Shmoking Weed,

Doing Coke drinking beers,

Drinking beers, beers, beers.

Danny storms through the doors as Jay makes a sale.

DANNY

What the fuck are you doing? You can't sell drugs on a US airbase!

JAY

Yo bitch calm down; these aren't any fucking drugs these are mine and this tubby Bitch's Snootchie Bootchie Nootchies!

DANNY

(Points to his (Danny's) aggravated face)

You see this face? This is my fucking caring face.

JAY

I think you need one of these.

Jay holds one up to him.

DANNY

Get that shit out of my face!

There is a boom in the background and the three look in the direction startled.

JAY  
What the fuck was that?

DANNY

I think we're being bombed!  
SILENT BOB

(Mumbles)

No fucking shit Sherlock

DANNY

What?

SILENT BOB  
(Screaming)

I SAID NO FUCKING SHIT YOU DUMB ASS PILOT!!!

JAY  
Shnoogins.

DANNY

Will you stop talking like a fucking baby?

They all forget about the attack until another bomb explodes. Jay and Silent Bob run away like two scared little schoolgirls.

Ext.: Airfield- day

Rafe unlocks the garage next to the airbase. He looks to his side to see Danny looking up at the sky. Rafe shrugs and enters the garage, Danny follows.

Int.: Garage- day

Rafe pulls a sheet off of a plane and grabs some black paint, on it he writes:

BOMB US AND I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!

Rafe then takes some cans with screws and walks outside with the sheet.

Ext.: Airfield- day

Rafe walks into the middle of the street and lays out the sheet putting the cans on each corner to hold it down. He walks back inside…

Int.: Garage- day 

DANNY

Hey

(beat)

I thought you weren't supposed to be here today.

RAFE

Don't even get me fucking started!

DANNY

Are ya still going to the hockey game?

RAFE

Yeah, Billy's coming at 12.

DANNY

You didn't hear?

RAFE

Hear what?

DANNY

He fucking died!

RAFE

What!? How?

DANNY

A dud blew up right next to him,

(beat)

Anthony told me 'bout it.

RAFE  
Shit! Now I'm stuck here all day!

DANNY

Hey, I'll be here.

RAFE

I'm feeling so much better!  
(beat)

C'mon let's go shoot down some planes.

The two walk over to some planes and jump in they start them up and go through the large door. The second they get away from the garage a bomb drops right on it destroying it and the sign.

RAFE

That's it I'm gonna fucking kill them!

The two shoot down a bunch of planes and land, running over to the hospital.

Int.: Hospital- day

Oil covered people lye throughout the hospital. EVELYN (23) sews up a guy and sees her boyfriend Rafe and Danny. 

EVELYN

Remind me to quit ASAP.

RAFE

Whatever.

Danny picks up a scalpel and examines it. 

DANNY

What does this do?

EVELYN

Put that down.

DANNY

When you gals get horny do you use it as a substitute?

RAFE

Shut the fuck up!

EVELYN

Well only sometimes.

RAFE

Wow, I've never seen such a horny virgin before.

EVELYN

What? I'm not a virgin!

RAFE

You aren't? How many guys have you slept with?

EVELYN

Well one.

RAFE

Who?  
EVELYN

(softly)

Danny.

RAFE

WHAT?!

EVELYN

I'm not proud of it!

(beat)

how many have you fucked?

RAFE

I don't know like seven?

EVELYN

Who?

RAFE

I dunno?

EVELYN

So you can fuck seven girls you don't remember, but if I sleep with your best friend it's such a big deal?

RAFE

Well, yeah!

(to everyone)

My girlfriend fucked my best friend!

BLEEDING MAN

Yo, can I be your friend?

RAFE & EVELYN  
NO!

RAFE

Wow isn't this perfect?

(beat)

How would you feel if I slept with SANDRA?

Evelyn looks at him funny.

RAFE (cont.)

Yeah I know bad example.

EVELYN

Well I wouldn't care as long as it didn't happen while we were dating.

RAFE 

Sure.

(sighs)

I gotta get back to the garage.

EVELYN

I'll see ya later.

RAFE

Bye.

Rafe and Danny exit.

Int.: Garage- day

Rafe and Danny sit on the smoldering clutter of the mass destruction that was once the garage. Danny looks through a pilot magazine. Rafe pouts about his hockey game.

DANNY

Did you hear this shit? Airplanes are soon going to be a transportation source. What pride will army pilots have after that?

RAFE

Why the fuck did you bang my girlfriend?

DANNY 

What can I say, When I'm drunk I get horny and before you started dating her she was one horny bitch. Wait, scratch that she still is.

RAFE

(sarcastically)

hahaha!

Will this day ever end?

Jay and Silent Bob enter.

JAY

Yo bitch, why the long face?

Ya need a fatty boom batty blunt?

Rafe

No, I need to get the fuck out of here!

JAY

Why are you here?

Rafe

I gotta watch the planes!

JAY

(looks around at the ashes)

What planes?

Rafe

Your right! 

(beat)

I am outta here!

Rafe walks out of the room chanting…

Rafe (cont.)

I'm free!

JAY

That guy is totally fucked up.

(to Bob)

C'mon fat-ass, Let's go to the bar, there'll be a lot of fucking business, and Poo Poo Kitty Fucks.

Jay and Silent Bob leave. Danny shrugs and leaves too.

THE END!

I know it was horrible, cut up, and minus a lot of good parts, but there are four other movies left, so if I get five positive reviews I'll write the next adventure, BarRats.

Hope ya liked it!


End file.
